I am a Pharisee.

After some uncomfortable introspection, I have come to a painful truth. I am a Pharisee. To be more specific, I am an anti-Pharisee Pharisee. That's no better.

To me, the definition of Pharisaism is the pursuit of rightness rather than love.

Pharisees will argue endlessly because at their center is a desire to be better than you. We might wrap it up in pretty paper that says, "in defense of the gospel" or "standing for right doctrine" or "in support of proper biblical authority", but that only increases the obviousness of the arrogance underlying my attitudes. All of those things can defend themselves.

Pharisees draw their sense of of worth from their sureness that they know what is right and wrong, and from that high pillar are fit to find you wanting. They'll write a 10-page paper on the scriptural basis for the speck in your eye while ironically missing the fact that this very activity constitutes a log in their own.

Pharisees draw life from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil instead of drawing life from their Creator.

There are some circumstances where rightness is important, make no mistake. You need to be "right" when working out a mathematical sum, or when following a map. The same is true in Christian theology and doctrine in some cases. We cannot know where we are going or how to get there unless we make some distinctions between what is correct and what is not. However, something my church hears from me just about every Sunday, or pretty much any other opportunity I have to express it is this: we have to get the LOVE piece right, or everything else downstream is going to be messed up.

I've had the love piece wrong. I've crushed brothers and sisters in academic debate rather than denying myself or going out of my way to die to self-righteousness. I've found a place atop the philosopher's stump in the center of Rome instead of nailing myself to a cross atop Golgotha. I've become a technician of Greek and not a Pastor. I've become more interested in making sure you know how smart I am than making sure you know how loved you are.

If I have injured you, please accept this humble apology. God is dealing with me lovingly but firmly. As for every addiction, it is a dangerous thing to simply quit without a replacement plan. God is leading me toward a few spiritual disciplines to fill the void.

Jesus loved even the Pharisees, though I'm sure it was not his intention that they remain as they were. That makes me feel a little better.