Don't Drink it...

As a pastor one of the things I walk through the most with people is the issue of forgiveness. It's a fact of our fallennes and evidence of the fallen world. We sin against each other all the time, subtly and obviously, consciously and unconsciously. We're always suffering in one way or another, and suffering people are rarely at their best.

The thing is, there's this myth that's propagated in the Christian community. The myth starts at the parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matt 18.23-35), which is interpreted to mean something like, "See! You *have* to forgive or God won't forgive you." This idea is typically asserted by either the one who has sinned as a way of convincing the sinned-against that he/she *has* to forgive no matter what the internal and external circumstances, or by well-meaning counselors who are ignorant of how people actually work and the whole context of the teaching on forgiveness.

Here's are some facts of life where forgiveness is concerned:

• Forgiveness is a transaction between two people, not a one-sided personal legal fiction.
• Forgiveness is a process culminating in redemption.
• Forgiveness is not for the one who sinned against us; it's God's gift to us, the sinned-against.

Here's how Matthew 18 actually works. It starts with the process in Matthew 18.15-17.

• Go and point out the injury in a clear way that respects the bond between you.
• If that doesn't resolve it, involve a couple more people in a sort of mediation relationship. Sometimes an offense between two people can make it hard to resolve the issue; bringing in another person or two who know and love you both can be critical in overcoming jadedness that keeps people apart.
• If that doesn't work, then more radical action is required. Obviously, in 2010 standing up in front of the entire church and airing dirty laundry isn't appropriate or helpful. That will probably drive you further apart. I think the passage assumes that the person has continued to sin against you, in which case we do what Paul recommends (with this teaching in mind I'm sure) in 1 Cor 6: take it before a spiritual authority, be that a pastor, home group leader or an elder. Importantly, the point is reconciliation, not humiliation or payback.
• If that doesn't work, then the person has clearly chosen a broken relationship with you. You cannot share a forgiveness transaction with a person who is unrepentant. Not even God can do that. Verses 18-20 provide the clue: they are eschatological in nature. The point is that there is a heavenly dimension to earthly actions; what we do here has eternal implications. The unrepentant person now stands liable for judgment by God since he/she has chosen broken relationship with the one he/she has sinned against.

So much for the process. If we assume that that's been done, THEN we proceed to verses 21-22, when Peter asks the question, "how many times should I follow this process?" Jesus answer, whether your bible reads "seventy times seven" or "seventy seven", means "a lot more than you probably want to". Here we come full circle, back to verses 23-35. The key here is the assumption that the process has been followed. You have to follow the logical development of the passage and not jump to conclusions by starting at the end. Jesus is not teaching anyone to forgive an unrepentant person, something that is not possible for any being anywhere.

The whole biblical witness with respect to forgiveness is simply that we should be people who default toward reconciliation and not resentment. When injured our first instinct should be to proceed humbly toward restored relationship, and not fall back into bitterness and grudge holding. We should be people who easily accept a sincere apology and meaningful repentance and not people who set the bar so high that no one will ever get over it, and for whom no bar is ever set so low that we won't trip over it.

After all, if we're expecting something more than a sincere apology and meaningful repentance, we will always be disappointed. We must beware lest in our acrimony we back others into corners from which the only escape is humiliating prostration. We must understand that that kind of behavior is at least as evil and aggressive as the original offense was. Repentance procured under those conditions is about as useful as information gathered by torture. Spiritually, even if you get what you want (an apology) YOU will be liable to God along with the offender. Practically speaking, it's simply ineffective; people backed into corners will say and do things they would normally never say and do because the issue is now not the original injury, but their honor.